By : Mariam Mokhtar
So now, women, single mothers in particular, should be viewed as a product or commodity, like a prized car, or maybe in the rural areas, the prized cow. They are to be treated as mere chattels. And men will be awarded for marrying them.
And for the single mum? Will being married (or remarried) be consolation enough for the woman? Will she have any say in this?
Wan Ubaidah Omar, is the Women, Family and Health committee chairman in Kelantan. Her attention grabbing suggestion, at the Kelantan assembly, was for men to be given awards for increasing their quota. Incidentally, quota is her definition for the men’s religious entitlement to four wives.
Unsurprisingly, all who agreed, were men.
Her intention to assist the plight of single mothers is good and genuine. However, she is deluded into thinking that they can be treated as mere trophies.
Her statement has only reinforced harmful attitudes towards women. It is also discriminatory, degrading and objectionable. Her suggestion coupled with the reaction of the men in the assembly, is a mockery of the responsible position and the office of which she chairs.
But why only treat the symptom, and not address the cause?
It is a fact that there is an inordinately high divorce rate among Muslim men, when compared to the other races.
Why?
It is because of the Muslim man’s unilateral right to divorce his wife at will and for any reason. His right, as far as he is concerned, is to have four wives, to demand obedience, to beat his wife, to have sex on demand and to divorce his wife at will.
To him, she is the perfect hostess, the guardian of his children, the cleaner of his house, the whore in bed, the cook in the kitchen. It is the ease and impunity that men can pronounce a divorce, under whatever pretext that they choose, that is shocking. ‘Use ’em, abuse ‘em, leave ‘em.’
Yes, we did have laws to halt this apparent ease to divorce. But when certain sections of society objected to the amended Family Law, the lawmakers buckled under pressure.
And the result? A proliferation of divorce.
There will be some who consider my views anti-Islamic even anti-God. Did HE not grant all Muslims the right to be treated as humans being of equal worth and dignity? All I can say is listen to the many thousands of women who have suffered, who have been denied the right for consultation, who have no prior knowledge, no means of prevention, no room for discussion nor the ability to negotiate terms of divorce. Some of these are close friends, family or acquaintances who have had no redress, several years after the divorce.
Sure, there are laws to prevent ‘easy’ divorce. Few adhere to them and the irresponsible men who were unlucky to be caught out were only given the most minimal of fines. Deterrent enough? Hardly.
Others will remind me of the Kursus Perkahwinan. Of what use is this course where men are told how to beat their wives so it does not show, where to go for a subsequent marriage where the laws are lax, and their rights as a man are extolled, without taking into account respect, consideration and equality for the woman, his wife-to-be? All of these are laughable.
Wan Ubaidah was asked what was being done to reduce the number of divorce cases and what efforts were being taken by the state government to help single mothers.
Her idea of awarding men if they were to marry these single women is no solution. It might even add to the problem. A marriage of convenience, for this is what it sounds like, will have no solid foundation based on mutual respect, trust and communication.
Wan Ubaidah claimed that there were 16,500-registered single mothers below the age of 60 in Kelantan and this figure did not include those who had been left in the lurch by their husbands. She added that one dilemma facing some single mothers in Kelantan and the country as a whole was that many of them could not register at the Welfare Department or related agencies because their husbands had left them without filing for divorce.
So tell me, how are these women (who have been abandoned) to remarry because then they might be considered committing bigamy? These women are not the problem. It is the men.
Furthermore, this problem is not a recent phenomenon and whipping is not going to be the panacea of all evils.
The answer is to treat the problem and not a symptom of it. Ours is a traditional patriarchal society. It would be prudent to look at the problem as a whole, and in the context of the twenty-first century.
In today’s society, family is important, but so are money, education and skills. Women are now more educated, more financially independent with more opportunities are open to them. In comparison, some of the men she speaks of are poor, less well educated, unskilled, have few social bonds, few social skills and turn to vice and violence easily.
We need to change the way we bring up and educate our little boys, and turn them into mature, responsible, caring, law-abiding, brothers, fathers and husbands who will respect their fellow woman and treat them with equality.
We also need to focus on building strong, long-lasting, happy relationships with a solid foundation based on trust, mutual respect and effective communication. Love, not mistaken for lust, might be a helpful ingredient.
The reasons for family breakdown are well-documented. The testimony of the ex-wives and the despicable plight of the children left behind by errant fathers is evidence enough.
Focus on the upbringing and education of the males in our society. Amend the laws so that irresponsible men who mistreat their wives will think twice about doing so. Introduce effective deterrents, not minimal fines. And amend laws that do not discriminate women in our society.
Don’t take the easy way out and tell men to take on single mothers. Why create more problems? Just go right to the source and treat the problem. There is such a thing as ‘prevention is better than cure’.
And stop using religion as a means to justify a man’s right. Remind them that with rights, come responsibilities.
